Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Communion

Several of us gathered in her room for holy communion on her 93rd birthday last Saturday, as she wished. I am so very sad, but I feel as if I have no place to put this sorrow, because the world goes on and no one wallows, and what I want to do is wallow and beat my chest and weep and admit that I am terrified to be without my mother, but how can I truly ask her to stay here with me, with all of us when she is in such agony all the time, or at least that is how it looks to me and it shreds my heart to see her suffer like this. I imagine it is awful to have never had the mother you might have wished for but when you have had the kind of mother I have had, a wondrous mother and grandmother, there is this reckoning, and we are there. Everything inside me feels broken and how selfish I am, thinking of my pain. What I wish more than anything is to take away hers.


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12 comments:

  1. AnonymousJanuary 28, 2015 at 12:23 AM

    Oh Angella - you are the furthest thing from selfish. Everyone deserved a mom like yours. You were just one of the lucky ones to have one like her and you spread the love you've been given wherever you go. My heart breaks wide open for you. She is a beautiful woman and I can imagine the conflict you feel, wanting to release her and wanting to keep her with you always. It will be what it is and you will be held. You are in my heart right now. Sweet Jo

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  2. Maggie MayJanuary 28, 2015 at 1:45 AM

    I am listening to you. Holding you and your mom in love.

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  3. ElizabethJanuary 28, 2015 at 1:57 AM

    I have been thinking of you so much the last week, just knowing that you were feeling distraught and filled with sorrow. I am so sorry, and I am so sad for you and your family. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I am certain that your feelings are natural and that letting your mother go is a journey that you will meet -- bravely as you have met the other hard things in your life. I send my love to you and continued courage and strength. May your mother be at ease. May you be at ease.

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  4. AJanuary 28, 2015 at 3:18 AM

    Bless you all.

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  5. SJJanuary 28, 2015 at 9:26 AM

    I have been wondering about you, and checking in. Holding you very close in thought. Love.

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  6. eJanuary 28, 2015 at 11:07 AM

    You could never be selfish...What you are feeling is normal just as it is normal to want to take away your dear mother's pain...She is with you always and will be, even when she physically departs. I wish you both strength and peace. Sending hugs.

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  7. Lisa January 28, 2015 at 12:48 PM

    It helps if you find a place where you can wallow and weep and wail, at least for a little bit. I pray that you will find peace with this.

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  8. ~ellen~January 28, 2015 at 12:54 PM

    I think it's fine to wallow. But I am selfish, and I feel like losing my mother means that I'm losing part of myself, like my whole childhood will just disappear with her.

    Tell your sweet husband to give you one big squeezy hug for every blog friend who is thinking about you and wishing you peace and love.

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  9. tearful dishwasherJanuary 28, 2015 at 6:23 PM

    We are all right there with you, as much as we can be.

    I hope you find peace and love mixed in there with your sorrow.


    I love you.

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  10. Steve ReedJanuary 29, 2015 at 3:31 AM

    I'm sure it's hard, but it's SO GREAT that you are there, spending time with her and with the rest of your family. You are a model daughter! ((Hugs))

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  11. Andrea KelleherJanuary 29, 2015 at 12:49 PM

    You are a model daughter! I continue to pray for you and your family. Peace will come. You are giving her the greatest gift by being there for her. Allow the tears to fall when they come but remember to breathe in and take in all that you have had and still have with her.

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  12. Denise Emanuel ClemenFebruary 1, 2015 at 8:07 PM

    So hard. So hard. So hard.

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