Friday, June 24, 2011

Leaving St. Lucia

We're back from visiting with my mom in St. Lucia, and I'm emotionally wiped from the knowledge that we may never again be in that place together. My mom is so frail now, and when my brother comes to take her back with him to Jamaica on July 5, she may well be saying goodbye to the only home on earth that she feels is wholly hers. It is a bitter thing. I will write more later, or put up pictures. But right now I have errands to run as my girl will be going to her job as a counselor assistant at the sleepaway camp tomorrow. She will be gone 8 weeks, though she'll take a week off somewhere in there for college visits with us in tow. I got sick yesterday, a summer cold that came on hard and furious when I gave in and cried. My mom didn't see me. She was in the bedroom counting nighties and dressing gowns in case she had to go to the hospital. Her head and her heart weren't "feeling right" and she wanted to have a bag packed just in case. My daughter did see me cry, and she circled me with her sweet magic arms. After that, I had a cold. I think it is because I cannot cry my way through the day, there is too much to do, but my body knows I am sad to leave my mother so fragile and shaky and stooped with age, and it is releasing my tears another way. That's my mom in her favorite chair on the front verandah, from where she can greet and visit with her many guests. She is well loved. She is surrounded by people who want to take care of her. But no one can do what she truly needs, which is to give her back her mobility, her ability to do for herself. She bears it, though. She bears it with a dignity that is almost painful to observe. She is just beautiful.


  1. I wish I could say something comforting or deep but it's just hard to live through our parents aging and becoming frail and fragile. so hard. I hope you get to cry freely soon. It's something to be involved in the circle of live, right in the middle.

  2. I believe you may be right.
    I am glad you are back, but am so sad that you are not at peace. I wish the best for your mother. And for you. You know that.

  3. I just love you so much. I wish I could be with you, and you could cry on my actual shoulder.

    Hopefully my virtual shoulder is at least a small comfort.

  4. You came from a good woman.
    Welcome Home.

  5. Dear Angella....
    my heart aches for you. I know all these feelings all too well.
    It's not an easy road is it?
    But we're all here with you.

  6. Oh sweet friend. I knew that this trip would be as difficult for you as it was necessary. I am glad to know that you can cry in front of your girl. It is something that many mothers feel reveals a sense of weakness, but I believe that it shows immense strength. Strength to love, strength to feel, and strength to allow our children to encircle us, as so many times we have them. Your mom, bless her, seems to have also been feeling so much of what you have expressed here as her body also fought to withhold all of the emotion.

    Please nurse your cold and allow those of us who pop in and out of your "verandah", those of us who care about you and who wish to inquire about your well-being to surround you with virtual hugs, love and support. You are a very good daughter, Angella. You are also a very good mom. How I wish that chicken soup would ship well...

    So much love and healing hugs,

  7. And your mom...She has the countenance of someone who has lived a very fulfilling life. She is lovely. Lovely like your Aunt Winnie who I think about so often.

  8. I see her face in yours. You are a good daughter. Sorry about your cold. I believe your may indeed by crying its own way. I believe so.

  9. It feels intrusive to say anything - yet there are thoughts and spiritual energy sent from the other side of the world


  10. Kristin, your being here, your knowing, it is everything.

    Grady doc, hugging you back, and thank you.

    Ms. Moon, I do know that and it comforts. We are in similar places on our life journeys, aren't we? Love to you.

    ellen, your virtual shoulder is a very fine comfort. I just love you back!

    Mark, the best.

    Debra, such a wonderful comment. Thank you doesn't really say it. Love.

    Rebecca, we take our girl to camp today and then I plan to stay in bed for the rest of the weekend! I always love seeing you here. xo

    Isabel, not intrusive at all. Thank you for sending good energy. And thank you for leaving a comment because now I have found you. I am enjoying getting to know you on your blog. I left you a long comment this morning from my ipod but maybe it was too long because the ether ate it, so I will recreate it and leave it again, but maybe shorter-winded this time. I hope you come by often and feel free to comment.

  11. Angella this is heartbreakingly beautiful and your mother is lovely beyond words. Thank you for all of this. What you're going through, I believe I know it too, and there's nothing to be done but celebrate and honour, as you do and weep when we're alone.
    love, Deirdre

  12. Celebrate and honor. Thank you, Dierdre. Yes. Love to you.

  13. oh, dear dear Angella.. I've missed you . There is something so incredibly inspiring about you , your family. I can't even find the words. I wish I could hold much of this, this history, this love, this tapestry, in my hands, in a book. truly...

  14. and I cannot imagine how difficult this must be, the bittersweet of trying to live fully in the moment, and yet just there on the edge of that ....

    I send so much love.