I have been having a hard time writing here, because when I wrote in upset recently, it had unexpected reverberations, my children were left reeling, even though they thought they were fine at the time. And even when I was over the storm, having been able to write it out, to ride it out that way, well, for my family the storm was just starting, and I was the cause, an unwitting weathervane, swinging wild. I learned I have to be more careful in what I write here, and I took down some posts. And yet I want to continue writing here, that way lies sanity, so it is a precarious dance, and I am trying to find the steps, to find my way back as our family heals from crashing unspoken fears, as we find our way to forgiveness and understanding and acceptance of what is, and who is. We are all still a little bruised. But we are finding our way through.
It's just that I have no tolerance at all for anything unresolved. I want it all better right now. But I have to let it evolve. I have to trust our history. If we were all together in the same place, it would be easier. We would be laughing and being silly by now. It's like the Mark Twain quote Elizabeth posted today: Humor is tragedy plus time. If we could look into each other's faces, we'd get to the humor that much sooner.
In the meantime, my husband has been cooking for me again. It is such a sweetness to come home and see him moving about the kitchen, creating a simple summer meal for us. Grilled tuna steaks with avocado and cherry tomato salad, prepared with love. Calling me for the supermarket to ask what I'm feeling like this evening. He doesn't say much when it comes to any turbulence of emotion. He's not one to unspool the knotted thread of what he might be feeling. Look up stoic in the dictionary and you'll find the man I married. And if you come at him in anger, he will batten down the hatches like no one's home. But if he feels safe, he will come out of that cave and love you through his actions. Then you see the man who is at heart a patient marathoner, uncomplaining, and oh so loved.