The photo is from a pre-Halloween silent film event we went to last night. Some people wore movie-themed costumes. The woman above with a blackbird attached by wire to her head was channelling Tippi Hedren in the Hitchcock classic The Birds. She was Tipsy Hedren, she said, a glass of sangria in hand. The silent movie was the German fable Faust, and a very gifted pianist played live for the entire two hours, providing an impromptu score. I drank too much clove-infused sangria and found myself nodding off at some points. It was dark, no one noticed me much, so I rested my head against my husband's broad warm shoulder and let myself drift in and out of the music. I couldn't make much sense of the film until the very last scene, which basically conveyed the message that love drives out evil and conquers all, even death.
Despite everything that has been happening, I've been in a good place for many weeks. I've been able to observe and intercept negative thought loops when they arise, and not get caught in the weeds. I've taken a good long break from torturing myself with stories I make up based on worst case scenarios, with the crazy notion that at least I'll be prepared. Life has been good and sweet. Work has flowed in and with it the means to live. My anxiety has been at a manageable level, and even in those moments when I began to sink into worry, I was able to talk myself through, to be conscious. To trust the abundance of the universe, to coin a phrase.
What changed?
Today I am a ball of anxiety, of story, of fear that I will be blindsided by events that will emotionally unravel me. And I can't figure out why. Or rather, I can point to reasons but they don't really make sense. There is nothing that is true in this moment that wasn't true in the past several weeks when I was basically sailing along. For me anyway, it constituted sailing along. I felt light and free and so full of love I could hardly bear it. Today, I am full of fear. I hate this. I am trying to talk myself down, talk myself through. I guess I just needed to come here and say I awoke with this free-floating sense of unease, this unquiet mind, this nervous agitation and that can so quickly spiral into despair, making my world small and mean. What is it that Danielle LaPorte at White Hot Truth likes to say?
Love your sorrow. It won't last.
Love your sorrow. It won't last.
Love your sorrow. It won't last.
This is me, loving my sorrow, trusting it won't last.
When these moods, feelings, depression, anxiety, come upon me, my friend Sarcastic Bastard and I joke that somewhere, a monkey farted.
ReplyDeleteMakes as much sense as anything.
May this sorrow pass soon. I send you love.
You've been through a lot. You seem to know what to do with it. Still, I'm sorry that you have to wade through it. Please click my name to find my new blog.
ReplyDeleteRight there with you. Right there with you. Right there with you.
ReplyDeletethis is fantastic...thanks for sharing. And the event last night sounds amazing! Glad you've found a way to navigate your circumstances. You are blessed.
ReplyDeleteYou with your anxiety and me with my sadness...Hugs to you...
ReplyDeleteThis. What you wrote here is true and I am always looking at you, up to you because your honesty is everything. I hope writing it alleviates your fears.
ReplyDeleteI wake daily with an unquiet mind, so know that's a difficult rising. May the anxiety just float away
ReplyDeleteas quickly as it descended.
Some days I have a similar feeling, I think, of unfocused fear and extreme vulnerability. I have yet to figure out what causes it, but I also have yet to see it followed by anything to actually be afraid of--my backwards way of saying that, so far, this fear has never been canny or precipitated any actual fearsome events. If you ever figure out where this stems from, let me know. Maybe it's some old part of our brains, the piece of DNA that used to huddle in caves and worry about living through the night. There even though it no longer serves us. I know I'm late to this, and I hope you feel better now.
ReplyDelete