Thursday, February 18, 2021

Untitled

I haven't been writing here because I'm trying to find the right words for the proposal I'm trying to complete. I have a 5K word sample chapter in the can, and have forced myself to stop fiddling with it and move on to the overview. I have begun it, but the way forward isn't yet clear. The lack of clarity is painful, a crushing anxiety, because what if I don't find the story this time, what if I fail to create a narrative arc that is coherent, emotionally resonant, and well paced. I have been fighting a panicked impulse to run away, wondering if in fact I am the right person for this book. In bed one night, I asked my husband, "The fact that I am assigned to this project means I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, right?" I know that's how our friend Scott, a Buddhist, would interpret things. I don't understand why my fear in this moment is so alive, even as the deadline looms. I think part of it has to do with having had success before with the agent representing this project, and wondering if I can deliver at the same level again. Maybe I also feel hamstrung by not being able to meet with my subject in person for the first few interviews, because covid. I don't think we've managed to go deep enough yet. It hard to achieve complete vulnerability and trust over a telephone line. Or maybe I just need a change of scenery, such as my usual bookstore cafe, to inspire and energize me, but that's not an option either, again because covid.

Speaking of covid, my husband and I managed to score appointments for the Moderna vaccine, first dose, this Saturday. Despite the fact that both the man and I became eligible for the shot as of this week, actually finding a slot to receive it was a feat of persistence that required every bit of my training as a journalist. 

It's been snowing all day today, with still more inches forecast for tomorrow, but our power lines are buried deep enough to withstand the freezing cold, unlike in Texas, which seceded from federal regulations and farmed out the state's power grid to private contractors, who cut corners unforgivably, and now the people of Texas are in crisis, completely unprepared for snow. Meanwhile their elected officials go on vacation to Cancun, or tell constituents that the government owes them nothing and they're on their own, or they facetiously accuse AOC and the Green New Deal, which hasn't yet been implemented, anything but placing blame where it truly belongs, with their own lack of conscience, capability, and foresight. I hope when it's time to vote again, the people of Texas will remember how they were abandoned when the winter snows came, and they lost power, and their water pipes froze, and they had to burn fence wood and trees in their yards to keep their families alive. 

Something just occurred to me. The habit of writing here, letting the words flow out of me almost like a stream of consciousness, not worrying too much about anyone's judgment, might in itself helps to unblock the right words in that other endeavor, where there will surely be judgment down the line. Thanks for letting me share.


14 comments:

  1. Yes, you are exactly where you need to be. I’m confident the right word will pour out of you. I enjoy reading them here so much. Congratulations on the vaccine appointment!
    Xoxo
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh darling keep going forward. You know you have the chops and I know it. Doubt is such a powerful part of any creative endeavor. There you are an archer in her spectacular prime. I’m so glad you’re getting vaccines. No sign of them here in spite of calls and sign up sheets and refreshing and getting up at 4 am to look for one. Love from my island to yours.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Whenever I read your words I know in my heart all the insight and talent you have in you. It's always there, my friend.
    Congratulations on getting an appointment. I'm still waiting here for my first shot. Roger just had his second shot cancelled because of the winter storm causing havoc on supply movement. We're waiting to see what comes next.
    Thank you for sharing your words and stories with us.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Arizona is talking about vaccination delays due to the terrible weather. I've already been thinking "when I'm vaccinated I can do ...... ". I'd really like to see an eye doctor, but I'm afraid to get that close to another human at present. I hope your shots will go off without a hitch. Your book will, too. You write so well, it's just a pleasure to read your words.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for always writing from your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Every new project I start gives me huge uncertainty as to finding the right path. You will!!! And glad to hear you are getting vaccine. It looks as if up here in Canada I might be eligible about June. Gloom.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your writing is always so pure and beautiful -- and the pictures perfect. I am just so damn grateful for what you've shared over these many years. So much beauty and heart --

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can't imagine how Texans are dealing with the weather. We're used to it here. We're prepared but they aren't and then to have their utilities fail as well is awful. But hey, you can always go on holidays, if you're rich.

    You are always anxious before a book starts. I wonder if it's like stage fright, but you always find the words and you will this time too.

    Sending hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I agree with everything that everyone has said here- you WILL find the words. The hurdles on this book have been high due to covid and so I'm sure that you certainly are feeling even more anxiety than usual. I'm no Buddhist but I surely do know that if anyone can write this book, it is you.
    Stay warm, love. All will unfold as it should.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are a talented writer and will do your best as you always do! Whatever will be, will be...

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have no doubt in your ability to write this book. You'll find a way in. It's a challenging time and there's always this period at the beginning where you have doubts, as I recall. I think it will come together. The fact that you struggle shows how hard you're working at it and how high your standards are -- and those qualities are what make you ultimately successful. Don't you think?

    Glad you're getting your shots tomorrow! Woo hoo!

    ReplyDelete
  12. This thing "incoherence" you mention, it's pretty coherent to me what you write.

    I hope the shots go smoothly.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I have been thinking over the last bit about your worries about your project, and hoping things have gone well. The only book edit I ever failed at was one where all the contact I had with the principal was through a second party on the phone. And although I knew the second party well, she was not a detail person. It was so frustrating that it still can come up in my nightmares. I hope your approach has worked out, but if there are still problems, insist on more contact. As I should have done.

    ReplyDelete
  14. profit before infrastructure is the way it goes here in Texas. that and complete deregulation and our ex governor Perry is claiming that Texans are happy to endure a little freezing weather to keep the fed out or our business. of course our current governor was more than happy to ask the fed for help during this. and that lying little weasel Cruz skipping out on his constituents while the woman he blamed raised over $2M for direct aid for Texans and is delivering food, water, meds, generators, etc; Beto is out in the field doing wellness checks and trying to get people what they need while Rafael tries to pin his malfeasance on his kids.

    ReplyDelete