Wednesday, December 29, 2010

3 a.m.

It is late at night, 3 a.m. and I cannot sleep and I have this thought in my head, in my chest, circling without relief, there is a dragon inside me, there is a dragon inside me, and it howls like crying and burns ice cold, I cannot express it, I have no words, just the awful lonely pain, the longing to escape myself, I am too much with myself. But I can't write it all here. If I let my fears and imaginings find daylight they will ignite and consume me and those I love, and so I stitch myself together. Everyone else is sleeping. No one hears the dragon scream.

22 comments:

  1. Angella, that's exactly when you must write it. When your fears and imaginings find daylight, they don't ignite and destroy--they shed light and become life sized. You see that they're not dragons at all but salamanders and geckos. It's an awful feeling to be alone at night, when you feel as though you're the only person in the world who is awake, and you'd like to crawl out of your skin but you can't. I hope writing your post helped a little. At night especially we need to feel connected. Writing it will help you, and may help others who are awake in the dreadful wee hours with you.

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  2. That dragon knows me too.
    It is the worst thing.
    E-mail me if you want. I am a shoulder, I am an ear.
    I hope the light of day brings some peace.

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  3. Oh...I go there sometimes too. Nothing like waking up to the quiet outside while inside it's loud and chaotic and the thoughts won't quiet themselves. I hope you woke up today with no dragons in your head. I find the morning brings a calm I never feel in the nighttime.. sleepy but calm. XO

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  4. what a brave, soul-baring thing you did, angella, to write this down and send it out to us. thank you: from those of us who also battle mid-night creatures, you have shown a light on them, made them a bit less fierce, pushed them back toward the ungodly rock from which they crawled...

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  5. Vespersparrow, i know you understand. It was at your blog that I found a measure of peace last night. I read what you had written and i felt less alone, as if you were holding up a light for me, and it really kind of saved me, gave me a place to land. I did write it a little bit, reading you gave me the courage to acknowledge what the night was like for me, but I didn't feel I could write it all, i think it would be too terrifying to my children, or maybe not, it could be they already know this about me. but to just acknowledge it was something. and you helped me do that and thank you.

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  6. Ms. Moon, thank you for that offer. It is such a kindness. your honesty, too, helps me say what is true. please know that i want to be here for you too. i suspect you very much understand the way we censor ourselves for our children, but perhaps they do deserve some measure of our hardest, most difficult to bear truths. my daughter is a perceptive one, and i think she already knows. perhaps my son does, too, and just doesn't say. we are probably more transparent than we realize.

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  7. Susan jva, i know you do. Somehow i knew that. Know that I am just a call or text away whenever you want to talk about anything, we can go grab coffee, and we can process and poke and explore what we feel, and we won't hold each other to any of it when the light comes back on. Yes, the morning is so much better. Love to you, my dear friend.

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  8. Susan L., there is such love and understanding in this place. we think we are so alone and then we find out that others struggle in the same way, with midnight dragons that are really salamanders, as Vespersparrow says. Thank you for being in this dance. We can be there for one another. It is such an unexpected and treasured gift.

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  9. Angella,
    I live in my head. Often alone and secretive.
    I think you honour us by letting us bear even a bit of the burden
    and if it helps, which I hope it does, then share away. Know that you are loved for who you are completely.

    I am here. We are all just trying , really.

    wish I could give you a hug, or we could go for a walk or something.

    love

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  10. hugs


    happy to hear the morning is better, and the dragon has been silenced .....

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  11. We are only human, and what if what you feel is so strong that it hurts, you should let your husband, best friend or doctor know.
    Until then, don't stop writing. Your words are powerful and beautiful.
    Miss A.

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  12. Beautifully written, Angella. I know that feeling too, though I guess it feels a little different to each of us. And thank you for your kind words.

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  13. I think you are right, what you said to me. But remember- I am still here if you need me.

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  14. I do. (I do.)
    Watching and breathing such warm love your way.
    Rebecca

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  15. We are all just trying...speaking is an act of courage, Angella. Acknowledging.

    Because I saw it so many times with my son, I think of a line from GHOSTBUSTERS II, about "scaring the straights" and that is what rolls in with the dragon. Back to keeping secrets, or so that part of me would have it. Twitching, wobbling, falling apart...how do I let my son see the full spectrum of that and not give him nightmares? Sometimes we just have to take the chance that some greater order will prevail as we let the dragon be heard, knowing that is the only way it can be, if not vanquished, at least distracted. How does one live in this world and NOT rassle with demons?

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  16. Very touched by your post and am trying to figure it out. I've been feeling really happy during the days..I have a new job which is like being in a cup of warm cocoa, but at night my physical body doesn't feel as happy when I lie down. I have conquered alot of my mental and emotional dragons, but I don't understand why I ache and have pain when I finally settle down. Odd...but I do know that talking about things and learning that we are not alone but really pretty common in emotional turmoil really helps with and ah ha moment. Your kids probably know to some extent...they may also feel this way. You think alot...and sometimes that is a bad vehicle..I know about that too. When I was a little girl my doctor told me that I was too much with myself and inside myself..that really helped me. Wishing you a cup of warm cocoa.

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  17. I will say this..most times the mornings are much worse for me than the night...I can escape with sleep.

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  18. I think, in high school, we would all be the emo kids. i hope we would be there for one another in high school as you are for me in this space. you understand so well, every single one of you, and it is healing. i am humbled and grateful.

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  19. deb, in my imagination, we went for a walk in the snow, and we talked, and i felt so light and free. thank you, my friend.

    mouse, hugs back. big warm ones.

    Miss A, writing is a kind of therapy. I think so many of us can't help doing it, really. thanks for being here.

    Scarlethue, i hope things are feeling easier over there. so nice to see you.

    Ms. Moon, I will remember. and you too.

    Rebecca, i feel it like a soft gentle breeze. thank you.

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  20. Marilynn, this: how does one live in this world and not rassel with demons? how indeed. Perhaps it helps our children to know that one can wrestle dragons to the ground and get up the next morning, ready and new. perhaps then they won't fear dragons.

    Kim, mmm, that warm cocoa tastes so good, thank you. and congrats on your new job!

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  21. Oh dear Angella,

    The dragon tries to fool us by sleeping quietly during the day, and often rearing its sneaky head at night. When all is dark and quiet and the fire burns so much hotter, we feel alone, so alone in our battles.

    I pray that the dragon has retreated, and from strength to strength, you are able to slay the feelings with bits of laughter and lots of love. I think our children do know. I do. But as the moms, we often pretend and somehow, that is how it is meant to be.(for right now, anyway)

    In the meantime, know that you are not alone. Maybe I could join you and dear Deb on that walk. Sometimes it takes a team of damsels to knock down one another's dragons.

    Big hugs,
    Debbie

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  22. Debra, dragons are no match for a team of damsels such as we are! thank you for that bit of laughter and love. knowing we are accompanied on this journey, it is everything.

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