Friday, February 7, 2014

Picking my way


Sometimes, just acknowledging that a day was emotionally hard helps me release the pent-up despair (because that is what it feels like) and make peace with what is. The magic worked this time. Today has dawned a much better day. Responses to questions regarding a rather large and complex project I have been assigned have finally begun to appear, and slowly I am picking my way through, figuring it out.

But last evening, after yet another meeting at the outplacement agency that led to exactly nothing, I made my way home, frozen to the bone and utterly dejected about my prospects. The way forward was anything but clear. I was having an emotional storm, the fear swirling so hard that as I walked through my door, the tears were on my cheeks, my knees trembled, my breath caught and I found myself whispering in the dark empty hallway, "God, please show me how." I was glad there was no one home to see me. In that moment I felt broken. I knelt next to my bed and cried from the pure stress of it, the not knowing, the need to trust in what I cannot yet see.

I do know that I am incredibly lucky. My husband's job is secure, and he covers our health insurance, although affording life in New York City seriously takes two. Still, I know that if we were to really hit a wall, my mother would help. But I dare not count on that. My brother keeps saying that he does not know how much longer she has, that she is weakening, and I feel an urgency to fully secure myself and our family so that she can have an easy heart. She worries about us so.

Oh Lord, now I am crying again.

But I'm actually okay.


22 comments:

  1. That is so, so scary. I have often thought of how envious I am of folks that at least can be secure on their partner if things go south. But, as a fellow city dweller, I understand that to really make a living (not just surviving) does take two incomes when there is more than 1 person involved.

    So hoping for you that something pans out. We are all here listening and wishing.

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    1. Dear SJ, I appreciate the good wish, and you. xo

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  2. Angella, you may be crying but you are NOT alone. I know it does no good at all to say all will be well, you will get through this...so I'll just send my love and hugs and good thoughts and brightest wishes.
    yo

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    1. Yolie, it does help, the reminder that we are, none of us, in this alone. And that I am accompanied by shining souls like you, is a great gift. Thank you.

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  3. I wish you could magically be here RIGHT THIS SECOND where the sky is as blue as anything ever seen and the azaleas are starting to open and the birds flock at the feeder and the sun warms it all and I am feeling fully okay today- for me- fully. I would sit you down and we could talk or not-talk, just bask. Tea? Coffee? Martini? Whatever you wanted. I would slice you some of the bread I made yesterday with my grandsons and heat up some of that soup and we could spend the afternoon just here, being okay.
    It will all be okay. You know it as well as anyone on this earth which does not dispel the fear. I know. I do know.
    Love always...M

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    1. Ah, Mary, let's just sit here and rock on your porch and look at your cathedral trees, okay? i love you.

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  4. Oh oh oh no. What Mary said. I'm hoping for you, wishing for you, thinking good things for you. This is the narrows, you'll come through, I know it. Worry littler, narrower, so you don't overwhelm. You're just looking for new employment, that's all, don't think about the big picture and forever and easing your mom's worries, and everything at once, try not to anyway. That's what I'd tell you if I were sitting next to you. It's ok to let it overwhelm you, but then, break it down into manageable bits and fight just one battle at a time so you don't get worn down. It's hard not to be scared in the winter, even on a good day, I know that, and I've been where you are, financially, and will likely be again, there is just too much uncertainty in our lives. But I keep ending up places I couldn't have imagined, better than I expected, and you will too. You might even take a crappy job you don't want that makes you seethe inside until something better comes along, like I did. Hopefully you can skip that chapter. You will find your way. I'm sure of it. I believe in you, I do.

    Sending you a big hug and a sympathetic shoulder. Cry when you need to, but don't let the bastards keep you down.
    xo

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    1. Dear Mel, "worry littler." I love that! Thank you, dear one.

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  5. It's all going to be ok. Really.

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    1. Kristin, it is, isn't it. There's really no other option. I supposed I'm just releasing all the excess emotion so that I can get on with it! xo

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  6. I have been in that despair. Times when we had no money--literally none, writing checks to Wal-Mart that we knew would bounce but the baby needed formula--and I thought it would never end. My brain kept telling me that it would be this way forever.

    But it wasn't that way forever.

    I hope with all my heart that this resolves and the sun comes out for you soon. All my love.

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    1. Brittany, I am the same way! For one with such an overactive imagination, I somehow fail to remember that whatever obtains in the moment will not be true always. Everything morphs and changes, and often for the better. Truth is, part of finding the sun again is to write this darkness out of me. The moment I write it down it is a little less true. I am so grateful for you, for your art and whimsy and depth, for your friendship.

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  7. *puts a virtual arm over your shoulder*

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  8. Adding to the listening and wishes...

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    1. A, how are you? I think of you often. I hope things are going well for you. Hugs.

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  9. Time brings about change, this too shall pass.

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    1. LindaRe, we can count on it, right? Nice to see you here. And thank you.

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  10. Replies
    1. Hi Deborah! Well, the weekend was better. As I said to someone above, often the very act of writing down what I am feeling, helps to dissipate the intensity. I am grateful for those who read here, who bring even more light. Love to you and your wonderful man. xo

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