Monday, December 15, 2014

This again

Someone said to me this week, "Pain is a fact. Suffering is a choice."

It doesn't feel like a choice. I feel swamped. Overrun.

I haven't been in quite this place for some time now. I dared to think I might have moved beyond it, maybe even cracked the code of inner peace. Hubris.

I feel so alone.


20 comments:

  1. In the past three weeks the door fell off my van and the water heater corroded and leaked and the furnace stopped working and a tree fell on the house and a river of mud came through a crack in the foundation wall downstairs where my daughter's stairlift runs, and all that's mere hassle in the face of the possibility that my darling little baby grandniece may have a brain tumor. I have a steady-state overwhelm on the best of days, but all this has made me very weary, so tired that when I woke up this morning I kind of prayed the earthquake won't come too soon, because I'm not sure I could handle it. I too feel very alone. Yet somehow we go on. I think there are times when the "suffering is a choice" meme is applied in a way that's a bit facile, to put it politely.

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    1. Dear A, yet somehow we go on. Thank you, in the midst of your own state of overwhelm, for reaching out. I pray your grandniece is doing okay, and that the mechanical things have settled down a bit. I am thinking of you and sending love.

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  2. Everything is temporary, including these feelings. You are not alone. Sending you hugs!

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    1. Steve, thank you, friend. They are temporary! I appreciate the hugs!

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  3. dear, dear angella. you are not alone...so many of us love you. i am convinced the holidays do this to us, hold our lives up to a light that shows all the cracks. it will pass; do the things that make you feel calm and balanced (i loved reading about your singing; music is good for the soul...).
    xo

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    1. Dear Susan, the holidays are so chock full of expectations, and yet if we examine them we begin to see these are expectations we've placed on ourselves. Most of it is so unconscious and maybe that's why we feel overwhelmed, stressed, sad. Thank you for your wise words, and your friendship. Love.

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  4. I am here. I wish I was there. I am loving you, though. I am.

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    1. Dear Mary, I am loving you, too. Thank you, sister spirit.

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  5. I hear you and am sorry you are feeling low. For some reason the holidays make everything seem more overwhelming. Your writing this makes me feel less alone. I am keeping you in my thoughts. Sweet Jo

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    1. Ah Sweet Jo, I always love when you come around with your gentle wisdom and your generous way of seeing the world. Sending love to you.

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    1. Kristin, that is for damn sure. I think maybe we absorb the mood of the ether, and if that;s the case, yikes! Sending love, friend.

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  7. Suffering is a choice? That is total bullshit. Some 'positive thinking' mumbo jumbo created by someone who needs to get in touch with their emotions. Life is full of pain and suffering and it doesn't need to be made worse but the Zig Ziglar's of life making us feel guilty for feeling totally overwhelmed at the state of our world. In fact, if people are not suffering they need to open their eyes are what is going on in our world. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

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    1. Birdie, what's going on in our world right now is appalling. It's hard not to take it in. Thanks for being here in solidarity, friend. I hope the holidays are good for you and your family. xo

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  8. Angella, I'm sorry. I am guilty of trying to rage against suffering and am realizing that it can come across insensitive. The truth though is that I care deeply for you though our friendship is virtual. Joy is what I want for us both and when that isn't possible, I am comforted by knowing that people care.

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    1. Wait, Kimberly, did you say that? It wasn't you who said it to me; it was someone in the non-virtual world. I like the idea of it, I'm just not able to turn aside the chemistry when it sling shots out of whack. But it passes. It always does. And you, my dear friend, my sister spirit, you have nothing to apologize for, nothing at all. Thanks for the love. I'm holding that and sending you some of my own.

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  9. I'm late reading this post, and am sorry not to have joined the other voices in wishing you comfort. I read this the other day and found it both interesting and comforting: "Our minds are habituated to relate to suffering by resisting it through blame, bitterness, anger, resentment. That resistance is what the Buddha called 'the second arrow,' which follows the first arrow, the direct experience of pain. So much additional suffering comes from believing that 'things shouldn’t be this way'—when in fact they are that way.

    - Ronna Kabatznick, "Sea of Sorrow"

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    1. Elizabeth, that is a stunning quote. I have heard the idea before, but never put quite like this. Thank you, sweet friend, for this perfectly contextualizing for what I am feeling, and for this hopeful reframing of...well, everything. Love to you and the family.

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