Tuesday, June 26, 2012

What is Real

I am emerging. I think. In some moments, it feels like that, but I don't know in the next moment if that's actually true. It seems sometimes that whatever I write here isn't true in the next moment. Or perhaps it is still true, like the sky is still true when it is hidden behind storm clouds.

My son and his girlfriend have been here since last Friday, exploring the city together, picnicking in Central Park, or cuddling on the couch watching Olympic trials and Prison Break on Netflix. My son is in such good spirits, it makes me happy to be around.

I had my follow up with the rehab doctor yesterday, who prescribed 4 to 6 weeks of physical therapy to address my lingering snapping hip syndrome. Who knew there was such a thing? I adore my new doctors. I am going to be a good little schoolgirl and follow all instructions.

Yesterday I also went upstairs to that therapy place in the building where I work. I made an intake appointment. It's in August, and even though I thought I needed therapy pretty immediately, I made the appointment anyway, because I'll probably still need a place to figure things out in August. A place to not be reactive and self-destructive. A place to process the firestorm inside so that I don't send scorching lightening bolts into my world. I don't want to wound people with my words any more. Even if I feel wounded.

I want to stop hurting. I want to be so wise about life that I no longer hurt, because I understand everything. I want to be like my daughter, whose very presence is healing.

Thank you all for being here, for clicking the link and climbing inside. Mary Moon, are you here? Did it work? I hope so. I think the reason I didn't stop blogging this week is that I would miss you all too much. And that will still be true tomorrow.


  1. I am HERE!
    Guess, what? I have that snapping hip thing too. Have had it for years and years. My doctor made it sound like a party trick. Haha! Not really.
    I love you, Angella. I am SO proud of you for doing what you are doing to make yourself more able to live in this world that we are required to live in with its constant changes and moving-on. Sometimes I feel like we have to be ninjas to keep up. Sometimes I feel like I want to just settle into my oyster bed of living, breathing tissue and see if I emerge a pearl and not really caring if I don't.
    Gosh, I'm glad you're going to still write here. I feel so honored to have been invited.
    Thank-you. For that and...just for being who you are, which is magnificent.

  2. Mary! So glad to see you! I like that Ninja image. Maybe I will keep that front of mind today and it will help me sidestep all sorts of weirdness. A question, does your snapping hip hurt? Does it feel like your thigh bone becomes dislocated sometimes? Just curious. I love you, sweet woman. You keep me going more than you know.

  3. I keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think about the pain, which is surely there. Perhaps that's the wrong therapy but if I can keep it going for at least another 44 years, I should be alright. Give it a try!
    Your Friend, m.

  4. It is interesting what you said about changing emotions. I get that. Sometimes when I blog I start writing about what is going on in my life then end up deleting the whole post because I don't know if what I wrote is true. There are really bad days but good things happen in those bad days.

    Enjoy the rest of the time with your son!

  5. gorgeous photograph. my new york: the iconic redwood water tanks. my little boy loved those, we'd climb up to the rooftop of 6th street and see our world from a whole different perspective. speaking of which; perhaps the climb to the therapy place upstairs will offer that to you?
    love to you, dear.

  6. I'm glad you went and made that appointment, dear friend. And glad too about following your doctor's instructions.

  7. I have that feeling too, the things I write don't entirely feel true the next day - but they were in the moment I felt them and wrote them which is enough for me. That's why I love writing so much - it captures such fleeting moments in our lives, things we'd never think to remember.

    I'm glad you are on your way.

  8. As I think I mentioned once before, I see some personal truths as flexible, prone to all the emotions and circumstances of any given moment.

    I'm glad you made the appointment. :)