I'm so sad this morning, for reasons I can't go into. These reasons have nothing to do with my family, so really, the important things in my world are intact, and so I'm just here venting, trying to sit with my feelings, to acknowledge them and hopefully process the bejesus out of them, so I can get on with my life.
I woke up with a mountain of bitterness sitting in the middle of my chest, because of a phone call yesterday. I think I didn't let myself feel the impact of the news I received on that call, the emotional toll, the sense of betrayal, I pushed it away, but as I slept last night, unguarded, it slipped down into the place of truth, and I woke up with a raging sadness, and now I'm just stuck, all the tender places in which I have felt not valued in my life, suddenly sore again, and the sadness and its glinting armor, anger, won't leak away and allow me to breathe again unless I accept and even embrace what I am feeling, even in this cryptic way.
I wrote an angry-sad email, which I won't send. All part of the processing. It is helpful to remember that in the scheme of things, with people dying alone in hospitals, or under someone's knee on a public street, this is nothing.
This is nothing.
This is nothing.
Say it three times, love, and soon it will be true.
Sorry , dear tender heart. It is an allergic reaction I suppose, you have all of the reasons to feel top of the world glad- but here comes that pesky stab to the soft, exposed area that has memory of how to feel when it happens again, over and over, throughout life. I understand, we understand. Unfortunately there are no pills to take for this sort of allergy, time and perspective, I suppose but i do wish there was a magic potion for sadness , betrayal. Some folks write entire volumes of this human condition- that is how they "sit" with it. Some go on a bender- some , well, you know. There is never a sure fire remedy. Just know that you are loved and treasured.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJ60fumRgBU
I'm so sorry you experienced something that sent you into such a sad state. It's true that in the moment with all the challenges we are having to deal with, our personal ones still rise and make their presence known. I hope your mantra works. I will try it too. Take care there.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts, friend and birthday mate whom I hold dear, even though we live thousands of miles apart. May your inner child find comfort. What hurts us, hurts us, without need for comparison to others or apologies. Take care of yourself, please.
ReplyDeleteThat is such a sweet picture. In it I see the adult you, just beginning.
Sending love. Honoring your heart. Celebrating the young girl who lives in you, loved and loving.
ReplyDeleteTo that sweet wounded girl inside, I send hugs. To the grown woman, I say, don't let someone else steal your power or your grace.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it's small, but I'd honor it, your true feelings. I've always found perspective important but not in service to honoring your truth, if that makes sense. Belittling what bothers you is not helpful, in my opinion. All that being said, I hope the day brings you some peace of mind. I'm always here, listening and holding the space.
ReplyDeleteWhatever it is that hurts that precious inner child is not a trifle. If it hurts, it hurts. There is no arguing with that sort of pain, my love. There really isn't. It can be hard for some people to understand this but it's still the truth.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're hurting, my friend. Sending love and socially-distant hugs.
ReplyDeleteYes as Jenny O says What hurts us, hurts us. It does and going to it, with it, seeing and naming it, and letting the sorrow come, might help your heart be more at ease. You are loved.
ReplyDeleteI admittedly know nothing about what brought on this sadness and feeling of betrayal but it seems most things of that nature, at least so I've been told when I have found myself where you are, are less about you than the other person/s. I know, it doesn't make the hurt any better to hear that. let it go, let them go. this is nothing.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are sad and hope tomorrow is a better day. One of my meditation tapes states: accept things just as they are because they are already here. Don't judge. We all wish things were different sometimes...accept things just as they are and let go. (Meditating and thinking like this, helps me tremendously.) Susan
ReplyDelete"...all the tender places in which I have felt not valued in my life, suddenly sore again, and the sadness and its glinting armor, anger, won't leak away and allow me to breathe..."
ReplyDeleteThis resonated with me. I never been able to articulate it the way you have but the tender places that have not felt valued in my life, sounds about right. I guess we all have these tender places that hurt us, that bring memories flooding back, along with the old hurts.
I'm sorry this happened but I am thankful you shared it. Sending hugs and love.
My heart goes heavy from ready this. I hope the wound heals over soon and you can find your balance again.
ReplyDeleteOh, ugh. I'm sorry. I hope writing about it helps you process it. You don't need me to tell you the pain will ease over time.
ReplyDeleteThat photo of you as a child is super cute. I hope you are feeling better now. Sending good wishes your way.
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