Sunday, September 25, 2016

In the wind

I hesitate to write here. How many days in a row is it okay to say I'm struggling? My mind is a lonely maze and I can't find my way out.

Yes, I miss my mother. I am dealing with the continuing absurdity of documents requested by the New York City courts in order to probate her will. It all just keeps reminding me that she's not here. But I don't miss just her. I miss my aunts who are also gone, I miss the way everything used to be when any of those six sisters got together, I miss being with them as they laughed and fussed and loved, I miss the way they smelled, the softness of them as I rested against them. I miss me with them. I miss me.

Here's something from Story People. It's good advice.






16 comments:

  1. It's ok a million days in a row if you need to. Blogging is for letting it all hang out.

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  2. Awww. I don't have any advice but you can blog about it as much as you want. x

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  3. Yeah I don't get tired of reading it. Besides, every day is not exactly the same. And I am with you in this journey, trying to get help for my journey.

    I miss my Mom and her sisters too. I miss the kinder, gentler time they presided over when the world seemed innocent and hopeful. I think that is a big part of it.

    -invisigal

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  4. SO many days in a row. Me too. I have no illusions of control left. I am not sure it helps.

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  5. Having lost friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances and someone who for all purposes was like a sister to me in the last three years, I'm right there with you. Illusion of control is about right. Cry all you need to , blog all you want to, I can't talk about it the way you do but there are moments I feel like busting out in tears and like you, I am tired and try all I can to be happy...Hugs!

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  6. Give yourself time. A lot of time. I am talking years. You will be learning a new way of living. A way of living without your mom and your aunts. It is so confusing, that desolate maze. You will find a way through. You won't find yourself where you stared but a new beginning. Until then, just allow yourself to be wherever you are. xo

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  7. Don't be tired of telling us, although I get why you say that. I have nearly 5,000 posts on my blog and I'm certain nearly 3/4s of them are pretty much the same thing. I think we're all struggling in one way or another. I'm hoping for relief for you, and very very soon.

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  8. Don't pressure yourself to much. Write all your feelings down if you want and do it as often as you want. Hugs!

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  9. Just wanted to say that you are loved. I love your transparency always. It gives a voice to how others feel, too.

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  10. Don't stop blogging how you feel. You write so well for those of us who share the same feelings of loss, grief and sadness. I am told time is a great healer.

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  11. I am just stopping by to say that you were on my mind today. Breathe. xo

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  12. I think all the horror in the world just makes us feel worse about our own lives if we let it in. I have to not read or listen to any of it or I am a mess.

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  13. You can write as many genuine posts in a row as you want! As far as "I'm struggling" posts go, I'm pretty sure I set a record and as much as you try you will never break it *ego-maniacal laughter* *big winks* *big hugs* *big smiles*

    Keep being you, we'll keep sending our love <3

    We can make it. We can do this thing called life. We have earned that right no matter how often it feels like we have no place---much love <3

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  14. I'm with everyone else here: blog about what you want, when you want, and do not ever feel it is too much of anything. I do know what you mean about missing your mother and aunts. I have lost dear ones and I miss them too. And there will be more losses. Something just forming in my mind this instant says to understand that we are the older ones now, the ones that our children and nieces and nephews may be relying on for their sense of family and belonging, and who will miss us when we are not here. I need to think more about this. I still feel about twenty years old, so it's hard to wrap my head around being the older generation. Hugs, Angella.

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  15. Big warm hugs. So very well said when you wrote "I miss me with them". I never really thought about it that way but it hits home. I do miss who I was when I was with my mom. Lovely

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