She seems happy right now, which makes me happy.
There's lots going on and yet I seem to have no will to blog at the moment. This happens occasionally. Lord knows I don't always post about the hard stuff. I certainly didn't detail the falling out I had with my son, when he didn't talk to me or even look at me for an entire week because of well, this thing I chose not to blog about, but to tell you the truth, I couldn't reconstruct it now if I tried because I can't for the life of me recall what set us off. Everything I can recall doesn't seem sufficient to explain how the whole thing blew up, a whole week of not talking—on his part, not mine; I was over it within the day, but he nursed it like a great injustice and I confess it got to me. He's so prickly sometimes, and we are also more alike than not, and I get on his nerves in a way his father does not, because his dad is able to just leave him be when he's in a mood, and I suppose his dad also understands the man side of things and third, his dad also is more self-possessed than either my son or me, he can hold on to himself better, not let his words fly, wait out the moment and let it pass, a grace he passed on to our daughter. They are alike and my son and I are alike, and that means he and I clash sometimes, neither of us backing down. I guess what I'm realizing at this moment is that I haven't been blogging because this falling out was central and I chose not to write about it, so everything else felt like a lie. My heart ached as my son came and went with only a cursory "Bye, going to work" or "Not here right now" grunted in my direction as if the effort would just about unravel him. My husband said, "Don't chase him," which was good advice, but I wasn't able most of the time to heed it. Our boy was leaving for the weekend to go to a concert in Philly with friends, and I didn't want him to leave mad. The good news is we're okay again, he didn't leave mad, but these things leave traces. I am mostly giving him his space, because I don't really want another conflict. When someone you love withdraws their speech and regard for an entire week, it feels like they don't love you back, and when it's one of your core people on this earth, well, it feels central, and writing about la di dah on your blog when all that is happening feels like a big fat lie. I think my son is tired. Maybe even exhausted. He works every day and next week his gig coaching high school track and field starts up again and I wonder if he just feels as if he's on the wheel. He super responsible work wise, but he also burns the candle at the other end, hanging out with friends till all hours. He's extremely social, this boy, and maybe it's all just taking a toll. Something has to give.
We probably should have got this boy a dog.
Choosing not to blog about certain situations is not a lie. Most bloggers spill their entire lives out on these pages. Some things are just too exhausting to write about. We need to turn them around and around and figure them out. For me, by the time I figure it out, the time has passed and it is time to move on. Other times (most of the time) I never do figure it out and I just put it to the back of my brain to be dealt with another day. Right now I have some pretty big problems going on with my own boy. The tension that it is causing in our home can almost be seen when I walk through the door. But I have not and likely won't blog about the situation. Too much reality.
ReplyDeleteI just reread what I wrote and it doesn't make a lot of sense. You will have to forgive me. I just got off the night shift. I think you can grasp my point. It is time for sleep.
Well, I should have gotten Lily a damn chicken when she asked for it at the age of fourteen instead of letting her get a dog which led to Zeke, Buster and Dolly. So yeah..whatever. We can't go back.
ReplyDeleteIt is EXTREMELY stressful to live in a small place with someone whom you love so much who is pretending not to see you. I mean...whoa, boy! That's your mama!
But, your husband was right, I'm sure. And these things do work out eventually but it's so hard when they're happening and we can't FIX THEM right that second.
Families.
And believe it or not- I don't write about everything either. Some of it because it's not mine to write about. Some of it because I just can't.
But I hear you. It is very hard to write the la-di-dah when something so big and important is going on.
I just love you. And generally, I know exactly what you mean and how you feel because, well, me too.
Everything Ms Moon said. My little space has been dormant for so long, because I just can't. I don't know what's made me go quiet, but I can't seem to snap out of it -- too much happening, too much i can't say, and so I say nothing. I understand.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you and your son are tiptoeing toward normalcy. God, that's so hard.
Hope everything is patched up. Men work so differently than we do, and they can be so closed when they are frustrated. I don't blame you for not sharing all, my kids wouldn't forgive me if I talked about our relationship in anything other than general, loving terms. Then again, they never read this unless I show it to them....
ReplyDeleteHope you write what you want to whenever you feel like it and that it makes things better :)
xo
I hate when that happens. The shutting out/down and the days spent in agony. I know how you felt and I'm glad it's over and done. Living with other humans, especially the humans we love dearly and are closest to, the hardest thing I've ever done.
ReplyDeletesending you love and hugs.
PS. Has anyone ever mentioned how absolutely beautiful your girl is? ;O)
Aaaah. That hurt my heart to read. I hate social isolation -- it feels so abusive even when people don't intend it to be. Here is an image I want you to see in your head--one that is helping me right now because, of course, I first wanted to drive to New York and fuss at him in my very best mama-voice for being not-nice to my sister-mama. It's an image YOU posted here on this blog that defines your boy and who he is. . . . Remember that photo of him with your mother? Helping her walk through the hallway? This is your boy, the man he his, the heart he has. Show him that picture and remind him to handle his mama's heart with that same care as it is just as delicate sometimes. That doesn't require many words or chasing. As the Latin term says--"res ipsa loquitor" or "The thing itself shall speak." Yes. That.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved, my dear. By us, yes, and also by that beautiful boy that you've helped raise into a man. Hugging you very, very tightly.
Then again, a dog would be ANOTHER layer of responsibility, and it sounds like he has plenty at the moment! (I love that dog photo, BTW.)
ReplyDeleteI think your husband's advice is wise. Sometimes the best thing is stepping back to let the bad energy subside.
I also think, from a blogging perspective, that it's smart to hold back some parts of your life for privacy's sake -- I do it and I think most bloggers do.
I was gone over the weekend and missed this post. I can only imagine how difficult it all was (I just read your updated post!) -- men and silence and mystery. I can only shake my head.
ReplyDelete