Actually I am angry and unsure, but it is manifesting as tired and sad.
We intuit so much, but can't actually know.
We absorb cues we don't consciously recognize. But the body feels the quiet cut.
We feel like shit and don't know why.
Tears brim and don't fall, because isn't it stupid to be undone by this?
I am still figuring out what this is.
All I know is that I am not imagining it. This is real.
And to meet it, I have to suit up, polish up the armor, fight the good fight.
No matter how tired and lost and sad.
I have been in this place before. I can do this.
And I will.
This is not about work, which is really good right now. Nor is this about my love, who has just helped me understand what I am feeling, and whose eyes filled with tears because even though he is a stoic, he feels it too. Tomorrow will bring a new morning, and even if it is still raining, I will square my shoulders and stop feeling sorry for myself and wishing things were different and I will do what's necessary. One foot in front of the other. Heart on my sleeve.
I have declared today "national wallow in your feelings day". When I woke up this morning it just seemed like the kind of day to be maudlin and introverted. I say run with the dark feelings for today, and let tomorrow start anew. Hang in there, you've made it through worse.
ReplyDeleteyes, dear koshercritter, that is a very good plan. thanks for being here.
ReplyDeleteI'm worried about you...
ReplyDeleteI was just out with a friend who got 'packaged' which included a walk from her desk to her car, and it was all a whirlwind and sad and...
in the end , it will be a blesssing perhaps, as most things usually are,
but still...
love you
and my husband and I were googling for possible NYC march break away time, but decided on heading to Montreal.. less expensive as it can be with business and family togetherness
but still...
hugs.
this week has been a week of extending hands, pacing and worrying about friends, waffling between holding my tongue and gushing like a broken faucet. i'll just say, angella, i am paying attention, holding out a net for you, and so, so grateful that you are with a partner who loves you and knows how to show it when things get raggedy.
ReplyDeletexxoo
susan
dear deb, that is not my news, thank God. I haven't been packaged. my attention is elsewhere, on people i love and want to secure, and feeling as if there are obstacles in the way, even though it feels so patently unfair. but as my husband often says with no sentimentality or distress as he says it, just a simple stating of a fact, life isn't fair. nor should we expect it to be. so we suit up for those we love. we fight harder for them, perhaps than we ever fight for ourselves. and we maybe we show them how to fight when their turn comes. to cry a little and then pull out the armor and march onward. thank you for worrying about me, but i will be fine. just a slight heartache tonight. it's just life, really.
ReplyDeletemontreal is a beautiful city. have a wonderful break there. with love.
susan t, i see that net, i feel it there, and it means so much. thank you, dear susan, for knowing things are raggedy and offering a hand. i feel such a sense of wonder at the lovingness of this place, this gathering of souls. thank you for being here.
ReplyDeleteOy -- I don't know the details but I think I know the feeling. I've felt low of late and don't have the wisdom, yet, to move onward. Will you tell your husband to come out to California and give me some advice?
ReplyDeleteSending support and love, for words seem out of my grasp right now. The feeling, unspoken, is real. xo
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, i bet you do know the feeling. it's so vague and amoebic, a moving target so it's hard to get a handle on. Maybe it's cosmic. So many of us are feeling it. Hang in there friend. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteMarylinn, your love and support speak volumes to my heart. Thank you. Love to you.
I needed to read this...it really helps me for the way I too have been feeling..
ReplyDelete'my attention is elsewhere, on people i love and want to secure, and feeling as if there are obstacles in the way, even though it feels so patently unfair. but as my husband often says with no sentimentality or distress as he says it, just a simple stating of a fact, life isn't fair. nor should we expect it to be. so we suit up for those we love. we fight harder for them, perhaps than we ever fight for ourselves. and we maybe we show them how to fight when their turn comes. to cry a little and then pull out the armor and march onward."
Does your husband want to have a blog for your needy friends? ♥♥♥
Sending you love, Angella
ReplyDeleteKim, thank you, especially for the hearts.
ReplyDeleteellen, receiving it gratefully, friend.
I hope the writing of it has given you some power over it, and the sharing of it made your burden lighter. I can give great advice, but I'm not the best at using it, but I try to remember not to go to battle unless I know what I'm fighting. Figure out the enemy, then the battle plan. Standing ready in armor against an unclear adversary is tiring. Sometimes figuring out what is wrong is the hardest part. Especially, particularly as I go through the unsettling post menopausal, end stages of mothering my almost grown children in an increasingly crazy and often sad world.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew how to make those little hearts, I'd put a bunch of them here for you.
Fight the good fight.
XO
Mel, i can tell you know how the writing it out can free us from the dark thoughts that sometimes plague us. yes, it did give me some power over it and what you say makes so much sense. No need to stand around in armor without a plan, and sometimes one wins more by projecting light than by rattling sabers. who knows. and the nearly grown children, yes, that is part of it, will we be able to do that last bit of ushering them? did we do enough? will they survive the people they will inevitably encounter who stand consciously or indifferently in their way? Will they know how to navigate around? Did I remember to teach them that? It's late. I'm rambling. But please know how much I appreciate your comment and your understanding and your practical wisdom. hearts to you too.
ReplyDeleteAll those questions you typed there - your worries for your children? They are chattering in my head louder and louder as the time for them to fly away from the nest gets nearer. I'm worried about so many things, did I teach them right, did I get through to them, will they get lucky? Will they trust the right people and steer clear of the dangerous ones? I thought the worry would lessen as they got older, but I was wrong. If I didn't want so much for them, it would be easier. This parenting is so very very hard, especially as they pull or push away, or cling a little tighter ( I have one of each, so different and so complicated ) It is a comfort to me just to know your feelings are similar to mine. And as I said, I'm terrible at my own advice, standing here battle ready against the unknown! More hearts to you too.
ReplyDeleteAngella, I extend my heart and my hand out to you. I am sending you love.
ReplyDeleteBig gentle hugs,
Debbie