Sunday, March 8, 2015

Going home

I am flying home to Jamaica today to bury my mother. My husband is coming with me. Our children will arrive later in the week. So will the rest of our extended family. My brother is waiting for me to get there to make arrangements so nothing has been done yet other than booking the minister and the church. I dread walking into my brother's house and going up to my mother's room knowing she will never again be there waiting expectantly to greet me. I will never again experience the absolute welcome that was always there for me in her eyes. I am numb sometimes and then the truth that my mother is gone breaks through and I feel desolate. I went outside to run errands for the first time yesterday since my brother called to tell me Mommy had died. Under a crisp blue sky, snow on the ground, winter sun on my face, the world felt completely different. My place in it forever altered. I felt alone in a way I have never before felt alone and I realized that my whole life long I have felt my mother's protection at my back, a soft cloak woven of breath and love. My brother sent me the lyrics of a song that he said he had found some comfort in. "I'm everything I am because you loved me." The simple refrain felt so profound. I knew what he was feeling. I have never been in the world without my mother. She was so loved by so many. People have not stopped calling because her children are the closest they can get to her now. They tell me stories about her, all the times they felt lifted up by her. I wish I could capture the full measure of her grace and goodness and share it here. My words are so poor.

15 comments:

  1. Words are insufficient, but I am so sorry for your loss.

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  2. she has blessed you with love, angella. and you pass that along to your children and, really, anyone you touch with your writing, your presence. it is the very best any of us can hope for in this life.

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  3. Your words are not poor. Our language is inadequate for such loss.
    Travel safely. Our love for you goes too.

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  4. not at all. your words are so perfect. I am so sad for you.
    much love,
    yo

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  5. Safe journey to you all and many hugs.

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  6. I like what Mary Moon said. Perfect but heart-breaking. I'm so sorry. I hope you will feel the love of your family around you and it will remind you of your mother's love.

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  7. I feel so sad, reading this. Your words do convey what I know too well.

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  8. Angella, to have felt such love has to have been amazing. And you cannot be a poor communicator because my heart did a little flip with feeling that you seem to be exactly the kind of mom that you describe your mom to have been. I am so happy your mom was the kind of mom she was and you are you and at the same time I am so sad for your sadness.

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  9. Your words are so rich, Angella. They bring me to tears -- you have helped literal strangers to know. Not as you know and love her, but still, we have some measure of her grace and the way she walked in the world because of your words, your testament, the light and love behind everything you say and show us. You'll be in my heart as you go forward.

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  10. So sorry to hear that your mom has passed, Angella. It is not easy, I know as my own dear mother left us 17 years ago now and I am amazed that it has been that long. The loss still feels fresh some days. Our thoughts are with you. May you find comfort in the company of your family and friends in Jamaica. x0 N2

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  11. You convey that feeling of loss, and the strangeness of this new world, so well. I'm wishing you strength through this process.

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  12. I wish you smooth travels. This is very hard--the going home to the empty places. Thinking of you with love.

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  13. Your words are perfect and beautiful.

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  14. I agree with Kristin. Your words are not poor. They speak truth and grace under the stress of such a loss. I was in tears from reading because of how beautifully honest your words were. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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