Going home

I am flying home to Jamaica today to bury my mother. My husband is coming with me. Our children will arrive later in the week. So will the rest of our extended family. My brother is waiting for me to get there to make arrangements so nothing has been done yet other than booking the minister and the church. I dread walking into my brother's house and going up to my mother's room knowing she will never again be there waiting expectantly to greet me. I will never again experience the absolute welcome that was always there for me in her eyes. I am numb sometimes and then the truth that my mother is gone breaks through and I feel desolate. I went outside to run errands for the first time yesterday since my brother called to tell me Mommy had died. Under a crisp blue sky, snow on the ground, winter sun on my face, the world felt completely different. My place in it forever altered. I felt alone in a way I have never before felt alone and I realized that my whole life long I have felt my mother's protection at my back, a soft cloak woven of breath and love. My brother sent me the lyrics of a song that he said he had found some comfort in. "I'm everything I am because you loved me." The simple refrain felt so profound. I knew what he was feeling. I have never been in the world without my mother. She was so loved by so many. People have not stopped calling because her children are the closest they can get to her now. They tell me stories about her, all the times they felt lifted up by her. I wish I could capture the full measure of her grace and goodness and share it here. My words are so poor.