Saturday, May 12, 2012

What would it feel like?

What would it feel like not to care so much, to step into a lightness of spirit, trusting the universe to be benign? Most of what I fear is never going to happen anyway, and if something did, all my worry wouldn't have made me an iota more prepared. All it would have done is rob me of the good days.

What would it feel like, if, instead of trying to hoard time with my daughter before she leaves for camp and then college, I instead did the opposite, opening my arms and blowing her a kiss when she wants to do the most natural thing in the world: spend time with her boyfriend or girlfriends instead of with me?

What would it feel like if, rather than obsessing over how physically frail my mother has become and the fact that I cannot be there with her, I instead let myself feel gratitude that her mental faculties are wonderfully intact at age 90, her lioness heart still beats as strong as it ever did, and she is surrounded by people who adore her, who put their love into action, taking her to doctor's appointments or just sipping tea with her on her front porch at twilight, watching the St. Lucia night tiptoe in?

What would it feel like to let go of the notion that beyond my vote I have any control at all over who gets elected as the next president, knowing that when I get too worked up about agendas I disagree with, I'm just roiling my peace for no reason? I live in New York after all. The state is going to go for Obama.

What would it feel like to live in the flow, not trying to guide or control it, just letting it carry me like a lazy river, even for a little while?

This is what I'm thinking today.


  1. Let me know if you discover how to do it. I hear meditation works.

  2. I like how you're thinking. Even if I don't know the answers.

  3. Well, I think you know the answers to all of those questions and probably feel it a lot of the time.

  4. If you think it, the change is beginning. When I was in your daughter's place my mom always let me know that she wanted me with her but never said a word when I ran about and did what I needed/wanted to do. I'll always remember that and appreciate her for it.

    Happy Mother's Day!

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  6., so hard for so many of us.

    love and an enormous bouquet of pale pink tulips to you, today,


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  8. Your posts are always so thought-provoking.

    I hope you have a beautiful Mother's Day, my friend... surrounded by the ones you love!!

    Sending hugs ~

  9. I think you have just given the answer to being happy. Honestly, I do. I have thought this for a long time. The idea, the very IDEA of control is such a false one. And as corny as it sounds, as cliche, it truly is how you frame things. Same situation, different outlook on it.
    I am speaking theoretically here, due to the fact that I am NO good at letting things flow. But I swear to you, I am trying, I am learning.
    I love this post, Angella. I love you.

  10. A therapist I once went to — whom I ended up not liking much — gave me advice which completely rocked my world: "let it go, and live in the moment."

    Difficult, often impossible, but it's changed how I live, how I approach the world. Easier said than done, as it works out.

    One deep breath in, another deep breath out.

  11. You know, I hope this doesn't come off sounding wrong, but I've had some experience with choosing to go with the flow when I'd rather not. Either way the outcome is the same or unpredictable or uncertain. But the grace? Possible. For myself as much as others.

    love love love to you as well.